It’s one thing to hear abstract statistics about how many marriages end in divorce. Statistics include everybody, and lord knows what everybody is doing. But it’s quite another to watch your friends, the normal people you’ve known for a long time, the ones who have stable relationships and tend to make good choices, go down.
My husband and I have been together long enough to have borne witness to this a few times, most recently over this past holiday. When people ask me whether I did anything special for New Year’s, I can say yes. I left the house and my husband close to 11pm, to drive across the city to make sure a friend who wasn’t answering the phone was hanging in there after receiving some particularly distressing news about her marriage, which had already burst into flame in a spectacular way a few weeks earlier.
This kind of thing invariably makes me appreciate my spouse a little more, the relative insignificance of our complaints. Our friend’s trouble didn’t lead us to take a weekend away just for ourselves – we had planned to do it anyway – but it did form part of the background as we firmed up our plans to go.
We decided to go to a unique bed and breakfast, an urban homestead which practices some truly sustainable living practices that we find inspiring and would like to learn from. It was just an hour and a half away, and we were gone just over 24 hours in total, but we had to pull out the stops for childcare, with my mother, my sister, and my in-laws all pitching in. I did the planning and the packing and the shipping of children while my husband was at work (I picked him up there) and I confess that by the time we were starting our trip, I was tired.
But of course it was worth it. Even the drive offered wide expanses of time to talk, uninterrupted. The accommodation was simple and lovely, the hostess warm and informative, and we soaked up the tour she gave of her house and farm. It was an unusually mild winter weekend, so my husband and walked long into the night, and more during the day, taking in new surroundings, eating meals that were, again, uninterrupted. We made some exciting plans. It felt good.
Yet still I find myself thinking about my friend, the one whose marriage wouldn’t have been fortified by any number of weekend jaunts. I know she will find her way through the mess. But she’s no statistic, and until she comes out on the other end of this, I’m sending her whatever wishes of comfort and strength that I can.
4 Mothers 
Great post. I guess all you can do is be there for your friend and as you said love your husband fiercely, knowing how good you have it.
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Thanks – I do wish there were more to do.
An aside – lovely blog!
Thanks Carol. Your support is probably making more of a difference than you know x
It’s always a shock to the couples who you thought were happy and in love but its like the saying goes no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, I hope your friends ends up happy in the long run, at least she has you by her side.
Great Blog
Victoria xx
Yes! My husband and I were shocked to discover neighbours splitting up, a few short months after we saw them slow dancing in the middle of the street at a street party.
What a shame too, sometimes instead of turning towards eachother in times of stress couples turn away from eachother dont they.
of course now days its always in the media so I think it makes people who are unhappy think the answer is to just split up rather than working through it such a shame. well I hope you enjoyed your weekend away though im nagging my own hubby for a nice break too!!# lovely blog xx
Victoria xx
My heart and prayers go out to your friend.
It is difficult at times to pull away from everything, and get away as a couple. It is very much a necessity, so that the adults can reconnect and relax as friends and lovers, rather than parents and providers. I believe that it fortifies our roles when we return home
It was really work going away from such a simple, close jaunt. But as you say, worth it.
Always so much work to organize a weekend away (especially if you don’t have grandparents or a nanny nearby that can watch your kids). But always worth it! My husband and I try to get away on our own every year and it’s always such a nice break.